So I’m finally facing my fear and writing the blog post that I’ve been dreaming of posting.
I am pregnant. Again.
The last 16 weeks have been filled with so many different emotions, I can’t really explain it. I guess if you’ve suffered a loss before then you know exactly what I’m talking about. The immediate JOY and EXCITEMENT when you read that word on the test, followed by immediate FEAR and ANXIETY…
We were in Buffalo for Christmas …. If you’ve read my original post/story, that intro might sound familiar. It was almost exactly a year from when we found out we were pregnant the first time. It made those days leading up to taking a test all that more emotional. I couldn’t believe I was late again at that same time, and in Buffalo. I didn’t even tell Frank. I didn’t want to get his hopes up yet another time (little did I know he knew exactly what was going on, but didn’t say anything probably thinking the same thing). I only told Maria. She’s one of the few people who gets it. She’s the person I told every time. We would struggle together each time we thought it was “this time”.
At this point in my journey, I had almost lost all hope. I hadn’t lost faith, but I was starting to lose hope. I only had one tube, so I thought my chances were so low. I had made an appointment with a fertility clinic, and then cancelled it a week later. I just wanted to give it a little more time.
I remember being in the shower a few week before, listening to Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You”. As soon as the chorus came on, I just felt this huge ball in my throat and I just let out the biggest sob I think I have since I lost my first baby. I fell to the floor and just cried.
I realized that even when I can’t muster up the hope, He will have it for me… all I need to do is trust Him. So i did. He’s not going to give me what I want when I want it. He knows exactly when the right time is. I swear this has happened to me more times than I can count in my life. Just when I start to question things, or wonder if He hears me, I get the ultimate sign that He IS there.
When two days went by and still no period, I couldn’t wait any longer. I just wanted to do it and move on so I could enjoy the rest of my Christmas vacation with my family. It was three days before Christmas and I woke up around 8:00 a.m. and left to go get coffee. I made a stop at Walgreens for a test, and then went to get my coffee. I went through the drive-thru at Tim Hortons and the person in front of me paid for my order! I had always heard of this happening, but never experienced it. So I paid for the person behind me. As I drove away I thought this might be the start to one of the best days ever, or a reminder of the good in the world if it was going to be a sad day. Part of me was preparing for the worst, but part of me had this weird feeling it might just be positive.
I was right. Pregnant. Clear as day.
I was in shock. Coming home from getting coffee I thought if it was positive I would wrap up the test and give it to Frank on Christmas. Yeah, right! I whipped out of that bathroom so fast and burst into the bedroom just like I did the first time. I showed Frank the test. His response was, “See, I knew it was gonna happen.” Like he never had a doubt in the world. And I don’t think he ever did. He’s definitely one in a million I tell you. No matter how many times I would have a negative test, or get my period right on time, he would never make me feel bad or show me he was upset. I’m sure deep down he was disappointed, but he NEVER showed it. Sometimes I would just want to say, “GET MAD!” He would just hug me and say the same three words, “It’s gonna happen.”
I was so excited that I was in Buffalo so that I would get to share this news with my family in person. I never told my parents we were pregnant the first time, and I regret that they had to find out when I was in the hospital. I was going to wait until the next day, but I wanted to tell my mom that same day. So at 11:00 at night I brought the test downstairs and just put it in front of her. I think she was confused at first and couldn’t really see what it said LOL. Once she realized, tears welled up in her eyes and we had to wake my Dad up to tell him. We immediately went into what my mom calls her “Prayer Room”. A while back, she started asking people for prayers for Maria and I. She put them in this antique bassinet she has, along with different prayers from St. Anne and the Blessed Mother. We thanked the Lord for this miraculous blessing and prayed for Maria.
I’m sure you’re all wondering how I told Maria, and how it might affect our relationship now that I was pregnant and she isn’t. Well, she was the first to know. I owed her that. We had been through this journey for two years together, and herself for a year before that! I can tell you this… she is one of the most selfless people I know. She was so happy for me, even though I know deep down she wishes it was her too. I always wondered how we would handle it when one of us got pregnant. I hate that it couldn’t have happened to both of us. As excited as I was, a part of my heart was also breaking for her and the suffering that she continues to have to face.
If you’re wondering what you can do for her…
Don’t have pity on her – she’s stronger than you know.
If you are a mom – don’t complain to her about how tired you are, or how your kids are driving you nuts – she would give her left arm to be exhausted and running after little ones.
Don’t offer her advice or tips on how to get pregnant – she’s done them all and unless you can give her a baby, nothing you can say will take away her hurt and longing.
If you pray – pray for her and her husband. If anyone deserves a child, it’s those two. They are the most generous, giving, and selfless people you will meet. I am beyond lucky to call her not only my cousin, but my best friend. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know how I would have gotten through these past two years. No one understood more than her. Because of her, I was able to open up more deeply in my faith and surrender my fears and worries to Jesus. I wish with all that I have that I could snap my fingers and give her the baby she so desires, but I can’t. But I also know she was born to be a mother, and a mother is what she will be.
As I navigate these next months of pregnancy, everyday gets a little easier. And by easier I mean, less anxious, less worry and more excitement. That first feeling of nausea was the best day of my life. Weird, I know. Who wants to feel sick all day long? People that have longed for a baby for years. Every day I would hope to feel it, and I did. As much as it was uncomfortable and annoying, I knew it was a good sign. Every doctor appointment where I can hear that little heartbeat is the strength I need to get me to the next one. I have put this pregnancy in God’s hands. It’s all I can do. I spent the first few weeks in constant fear. Wondering if it was in the right place, checking constantly to see if I was bleeding, not letting myself enjoy the little miracle growing inside me. One day my mom sent me a prayer to say. I try to say it everyday. It’s just a quick thing I can say and find comfort in.
“Don’t be nervous! For the next 9 months and on just keep repeating 100x a day… Jesus, thank you from the depth of our souls for this miraculous creation you have gifted Frank and me. We dedicate this child in all it’s wonder entirely to you and promise to draw this child ever close to your Sacred Heart! Jesus, we trust in You. Amen! Now in true faith DO NOT be afraid again…TRUST!” – Mom
As my belly begins to grow, I am embracing every amazing minute of it. Every day I am just in awe at what is happening inside me. At our 13 week appointment, we heard the heartbeat and saw this little human moving around inside me. Kicking, rolling, and “eating”. I remember just taking a huge breath of relief and I couldn’t stop smiling the entire time. It truly is a miracle and I am not taking one minute of it for granted.
So as I end this post, I just want to say a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who has sent me messages of hope and prayers for this miracle to happen. I am beyond grateful. You have no idea what that has meant to me and how it was what I needed at those exact moments. This blog has been my saving grace. I will leave it up to Maria where she wants to go with this blog. I hope it continues to give her strength and an outlet to share her feelings. I hope to continue to write, but maybe in a different place. I want to respect Maria and all the women who have come to this blog for support in their struggle.
For all of you amazing women like Maria who continue to struggle to conceive, know that I am praying for you. I know it’s so much easier said than done, but don’t give up. I only had one tube, and I was able to conceive naturally. Explore your options. Lean on your partner. And last, but most important, keep praying. He hears you. He has a plan. As hard as it is… TRUST.